My Disorders

Reading through descriptions of various personality disorders, the one that fits me best is avoidant personality disorder. Throughout my life I have had difficulty forming relationships with other people. I often worry about rejection and ridicule by other people. My occupation of computer analyst fits my personality because most of my time is spent on the computer, writing programs and working with databases. I wonder if it will ever be possible to move to a higher position of responsibility. Could I ever be successful in situations involving other people? In most social situations I say very little. At times I feel paralyzed and unable to say anything. This is particularly true in intimate situations. In college, I was unable to have a romantic relationship. The only time I came close to one was with Tammy. For an entire semester we hung out together but I was unable to really ask her out or initiate anything despite the numerous times she indicated her interest. Even though she would show a lot of interest and sometimes kiss me, I still didn't feel confident to ask her to date me. When she finally asked me whether I wanted her to be my girlfriend or just my friend, I did answer I wanted her to be my girlfriend. However, it only lasted about a week. After an awkward date in which we saw a concert by a major band, I said something wrong and she got upset. The next time I saw her, she wouldn't talk to me. I felt completely rejected. I believed I had been exposed as a loser and she wouldn't want anything to do with me. I knew I should call her but was so upset I kept calling the wrong number for a week. After a few days, she stopped being so upset and smiled at me when she saw me. When I finally called her I said I was sorry but didn't really know what else do say. I talked to her a number of times after that but never could bring myself to try to get back together or ask her out again.

I have a lot in common with those who are love shy although most men diagnosed with this have never gone on a date or had sex or been married. Still I share the same feelings and fears as the love shy. It's almost a miracle that I have ever had sex or gotten married. To this day I really can't initiate sexual contact with my wife. We go through long periods of inactivity.