Change

I often wonder how much people change. You can change your body through exercise and diet. Can you change your personality? I need to become more outgoing or driven or I'll be stuck in the same job forever or until I'm not needed and then I'll be too stale to do anything else. Also, no more online porn or sex related chatting.

FU, invisible ghost

I was riding the metro this morning next to a thin, black haired man who was reading a notebook full of handwritten notes. He had curly hair, a dark complexion and wore horn rimmed glasses. He wore black pants and a striped shirt. He was reading the notes quite intensely. I know it is wrong to pry into other peoples business but I could not help glancing over at the notes. It seemed liked it was a novel or a story of some kind. I saw the phrase "FU, invisible ghost!" On another page I saw "Burke Lake" and then a few lines down, "difficult river." It was all hand written in one of those essay books, similar to the one my son has for his spelling assignments. What could the story be about? I remembered being at Burke Lake Park a number of times and had rowed across the lake with my wife and son. There was no difficult river there though. Who was the invisible ghost?

Living with Hoarders

Its frustrating living with my wife and mother-in-law. Our house is cluttered with stuff. It's so hard to get them to throw anything away. They get hysterical when I try even if its just empty boxes and ten year old junk mail. I'm constantly tripping over things in my house. They're shopaholics and pack rats, a terrible combination. My mother-in-law can't stop shopping. She declared bankruptcy a few years ago. Fortunately, that's slowed down the new purchases considerably. Hopefully if the intake of new crap is slowed, I can gradually get rid of the old crap. The trouble is they stop me when I try to take things out to the garage. our basement is not a walkout and the old hag is always on the main floor which has all the exits to the house. She hardly ever leaves the house. I feel trapped and imprisoned by her.

Last Airbender

Went to see The Last Airbender over the weekend. I was expecting too much, having read a number of negative reviews, and not being into the animated TV series. However, I rather liked it. It was imaginative, entertaining and touching. So far, though, I think my favorite summer movie is Prince of Persia.

Jack Wrangler RIP

Interesting obituary in the New York Times this morning: Jack Wrangler, a porn star (in both gay and straight movies) from the 70's. After his porn career was over he got married and found a new career as a writer and cabaret producer.

More Worries

I got upset this morning when I logged into my bank and saw my wife spent several hundreds of dollars on cosmetics and books for my son. Then at work I look at my credit card account and see even more money spent on a camp and more cosmetics. The stuff for my son is understandable but she could have consulted with me first. But that goddamn cosmetics? She is using my accounts to which she has not contributed anything. I need that money to pay the mortgage, the utilities and taxes! When the hell am I going to do? I took her debit card (to our joint account) out of her purse and locked in my safe. I have to get her to get a better paying job and start paying for things, not just spending my money.

Solitary Confinement

I found this article in the New Yorker about the effects of solitary confinement on human beings. I've never been a prisoner but I wonder if some of this applies to me based on isolation during my adolescence. Some of the spree killers who turn up now and then all seem to have led extremely isolated lives, with little normal contact with others. Certainly the guy at Virginia Tech seemed to be totally cut off from anybody. I'm not sure why this happens since these people were not forcibly put into a cell and physically cut off from everyone else. In America High Schools though some kids are just treated like shit and socially isolated from everyone else. It's gotta to have some impact on them, even if it is not as extreme as the prisoners in the story.

The hanged man

Weird coincidence: was just watching an episode of Lost in which John Locke tries to hang himself. A moment later I accept an invitation from a friend on Facebook. When I go to his page, I see a tarot card application there. The card of the day is the hanged man. The explanation of the card says that it means I have to look at my situation from a new perspective. It goes on, "The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life." I wonder to whom I should surrender control and make myself vulnerable?

chats

I chatted on IRC for several hours with gauge last weekend. It's hard to know what to make of her but she seems interested me. It's weird to find a female in a gay chatroom (assuming she really is female). She keeps asking if I am corporeal and implies that I might be some kind of demon. I keep saying I'm not one.

John Updike

John Updike just died. I read The Witches of Eastwick, Roger's Version and Memories of the Ford Administration, which is the one that stands out for me most. It's more about James Buchanan then Gerald Ford but it offered an interesting contrast between the chaste Buchanan, the only bachelor to be president, and the open sexuality of the seventies. What appealed to me most I think is his obvious love of American history and literature as shown by the Hawthorne themes in Roger's Version, the interest in an obscure president like Buchanan and his observations on modern America.

Titanic

Recently a reader rebuked Camille Paglia’s defense of the movie “Titanic”, I’m guilty too of liking a lot about this movie despite its shortcomings. As Paglia points out, the sinking of the Titanic is one of the great all time stories. What also appeals to me about this version is the way Cameron emphasizes the passage of time and the hold that memory has on us. Of course, using flashbacks is a common device in Hollywood, but the photography of the wreck at the bottom of the ocean, contrasted with the grand ship on its maiden voyage, provides special poignancy here. We can’t help but be fascinated by the remains of a lost world, just as we are with the Pyramids and the ruins of Pompeii. At various points in the movie the camera switches from the young Kate to the old one and from the ship of the past to the wreckage at the bottom of the sea. At the end of the movie we see photos of Kate’s life since the sinking. I like the way it shows that she has moved on and built a new life, but the past still has deep meaning for her. That’s want the theme song is about and I think it’s responsible for a lot of the film’s popularity, not just the teen girls’ infatuation with Leonardo DiCaprio. I’m fascinated by the old Kate’s line that Jack only exists in her memory now. A shipboard romance or a college relationship can have huge power over us many years later. It may not be the most original theme but it’s powerful since memory is really all we have.

Lost

I recently watched the first season of Lost on DVD. I received the set for Christmas. One moment I identified with occurred in a flashback when Sawyer is having a drink with Jack's father. The father, talking about Jack, says he could fix his relationship with just one phone call and points to a pay phone in the bar. I can relate to that. Sometimes a single call can solve a problem but a person just can't bring himself to pick up the phone and say what needs to be said. You can be filled with regret for the rest of your left because of it.

One thing I don't find as believable is Kate's obsession with the toy airplane. She robs a bank and is willing to shoot people in order to recover the souvenir of the man whose death she caused. I've never really developed a bond with a material object simply because it belonged to someone I loved and lost. Maybe some people do.

Pot and Me.

This documentary showing a woman experimenting with smoking pot brings back memories of my own experiences. I haven't smoked any reefer for at least 18 years. My experiences were similar to what she experiences in the first episode. She describes getting stoned as the worst experience of her life and compares it to a very powerful panic attack. I still remember my pot experiences from college as some of the most horrible experiences of my life. I first tried it my freshman year when a fellow student named Liz invited me to join her and a few of the other stoners who live on our dorm floor. I got high a few times that year. Then I did it a few times with Tammy when I was seeing her my junior and senior years. I also did it with John a few times including one time when we were in Amsterdam after we graduated. Each time I did it I experienced heightened levels of anxiety and paranoia. I'm always introspective but with pot I became much more so, perhaps close to being catatonic.

The experiences I think most about are the four times I smoked pot with Tammy. The first time, I was visiting her home during the summer break. Up until that point, I had no idea that she ever smoked pot. I knew she liked to drink a lot but we had never used any other drugs together. Then, the first night at her house while we were sitting in her family room with her brother and another friend, she announced that we were going to get stoned. I remember her saying to me, "We've never gotten stoned together. Wow, it will be a new experience."

I should have said no but instead went with the flow. I withdraw into myself, not saying a word to anyone. I remember think Tammy was talking about me, saying how I was acting like I was dead. Or maybe it was just the paranoia and she really didn't saying anything about me. Nothing terrible happened but it was extremely awkward and unpleasant for me. The next night, we did the same thing and again I didn't refuse the offer of pot. Again, I became silent and withdrawn but nothing horrible happened.

At the end of the summer, she returned to school. The first week of school we were at Tavern Night which was every Tuesday night when everyone went to the Tavern to drink beer. While we were sitting together she asked if I wanted to go somewhere to get stoned. Like an idiot I said OK. She asked me if I knew a place because her roommate didn't like her smoking in her room. I suggested my off-campus house. So, we got the pot and walked to my house. On the way she asked me about my drug history and she seemed surprised when I said I had only tried pot a few times. She listed her drug use history which was much more extensive. I was taken aback by how experienced she was with drugs. Then she asked if I was uncomfortable around her. I think she wanted to get our relationship clarified. I was of course nervous around her because of my attraction to her but was never able to really talk about it with her. I started to clam up, denying that I was uncomfortable abut anything. Then we got to my house. We went to my bedroom. We sat on my bed. At first she said that she wouldn't give me any pot until I answer her questions but then she relented and told me to "take some drugs." Of course once I started to get stoned I became more withdrawn. She continued to ask me about my feelings. Then my housemates came home. When Eric and Andy came up to the third floor were our bedrooms were, I heard Eric exclaim "Who's been smoking pot? It really reeks!" Then Andy came into my room and saw Tammy and me. He said jokingly why didn't you save any for me?' and quickly left. However, Tammy became quiet. She started starting at a book on the floor. I guess my failure to answer her questions and tell her how I felt had gotten to her. She said she had to go and I led her downstairs to the door. She seemed upset and close to tears. After she left I felt horrible. I knew something bad had happened. I decided to run after her. I ran until I caught up to her a few blocks from my house. When I confronted her in the street, I tried to explain that it was the pot that prevented me from talking to her and telling her how I felt. I remember wanting to tell how I liked her but I was petrified that I would say the wrong thing or look foolish. While I was talking to her, I stepped toward her and she jumped back like she was afraid of me. She said that I wasn't talking to her. She may have been right, I couldn't break out of myself and really communicate with her. Instead I was inside my head and talking to myself. She left and I went back to my bedroom. I didn't sleep all night and felt this giant void in my chest. I felt worse than I ever had before.

Later she called me and asked if I wanted to continue our discussion. We went for a beer at a local bar. When I had a chance to explain myself, I admitted I felt self-conscious around her but didn't offer any real explanation or admit my romantic feelings towards her. For a few weeks we did things together as friends without much trace of romance. Then came the night when, after we left the Tavern, we went to her room. She asked me directly if I wanted her to be my friend or my girlfriend. I answered that I wanted her to be my girlfriend. A few nights later I was with her in the dorms when she again asked if I wanted to get stoned. Again, stupidly I said okay. I went with her and a friend of hers to a park near my house to smoke the pot. Her friend had never done it before. Tammy said that at first she thought pot was disgusting but when she first tried it she found out it was great. I didn't say anything. I still regret not backing out or saying how horrible I found the experience of smoking weed. Instead I went along and smoked with them. Afterward, we walked to my house. When we got there, we entered the house through the kitchen. At first we just stood there standing in the kitchen. I didn't say anything. Tammy asked me, "Well?" Later I realized that she was waiting for me to invite them into the house and offering them something to drink. I wasn't really able to reply. I may have weakly asked if they wanted a beer. Tammy and her friend were giggly and joking with each other. Tammy then said to her friend in a mocking voice, "Let's step outside" as if they were going to fight. They went out. I waited for a while and then I went outside and saw that they had left. I went to bed.

The next day I saw Tammy on campus. She apologized for leaving. The next day we went to a concert together. The date didn't go well and she wouldn't speak to me for days afterward. My confidence shattered, our relationship ended. When I think back, I know that smoking pot wasn't the only reason things didn't work out but I can't help but think they made things infinitely worse. The pot increased the anxiety and paranoia I naturally felt. Always awkward around women, I felt totally withdrawn and paralyzed when we got stoned together. I think my mood and attitude was effected by our getting stoned and her leaving a few nights before our disastrous date. I think back on these event with regret that I didn't just say I didn't like getting stoned.

The other times I smoked pot were similar. Each time was with male friends and so it wasn't as traumatic and my silence wasn't as noticable. But I never had a good experience with the stuff.

The George W Bush Sewage Plant

I like the idea of naming a sewage plant for George Bush. Think how essential a sewage plant is to society. The people who work work there are unsung heroes who are responsible for protecting the rest of society from unsanitary conditions. Just like George Bush, an unsung hero, who has spent most of his presidency trying to rid the world of human sewage - the brutal dictator Saddam Hussein and his henchmen, the brutal killers of Al Quaeda and the brutal theocratic tyrants, the Taliban. So, although the leftwingers who proposed this ballot initiative must think it's quite funny, I think it's an appropriate honor.

Leap Years

I went for a walk at lunchtime with Leonid, a former colleague of mine, today. While we were walking, he asked if a lot people I knew had recently died. He mentioned a number of his friends and relatives who passed away in the past few months and also referred to the recent deaths of Tony Snow and Tim Russert. He then made the peculiar observation that during leap years there seem to be more deaths than in other years. I had never heard of this. He even said that he had been taught this in school and that there was more sun activity during leap years. I was taken aback by this theory which seemed to me to be pure superstition. He grew up in the Ukraine. I wonder if this is a common belief there. According to some, the sun has been eerily calm recently.

My Disorders

Reading through descriptions of various personality disorders, the one that fits me best is avoidant personality disorder. Throughout my life I have had difficulty forming relationships with other people. I often worry about rejection and ridicule by other people. My occupation of computer analyst fits my personality because most of my time is spent on the computer, writing programs and working with databases. I wonder if it will ever be possible to move to a higher position of responsibility. Could I ever be successful in situations involving other people? In most social situations I say very little. At times I feel paralyzed and unable to say anything. This is particularly true in intimate situations. In college, I was unable to have a romantic relationship. The only time I came close to one was with Tammy. For an entire semester we hung out together but I was unable to really ask her out or initiate anything despite the numerous times she indicated her interest. Even though she would show a lot of interest and sometimes kiss me, I still didn't feel confident to ask her to date me. When she finally asked me whether I wanted her to be my girlfriend or just my friend, I did answer I wanted her to be my girlfriend. However, it only lasted about a week. After an awkward date in which we saw a concert by a major band, I said something wrong and she got upset. The next time I saw her, she wouldn't talk to me. I felt completely rejected. I believed I had been exposed as a loser and she wouldn't want anything to do with me. I knew I should call her but was so upset I kept calling the wrong number for a week. After a few days, she stopped being so upset and smiled at me when she saw me. When I finally called her I said I was sorry but didn't really know what else do say. I talked to her a number of times after that but never could bring myself to try to get back together or ask her out again.

I have a lot in common with those who are love shy although most men diagnosed with this have never gone on a date or had sex or been married. Still I share the same feelings and fears as the love shy. It's almost a miracle that I have ever had sex or gotten married. To this day I really can't initiate sexual contact with my wife. We go through long periods of inactivity.

Marriage is driving me crazy.

Marriage is driving me crazy. How does anyone survive it? Here is a list of all the times my wife drove me to almost have a complete nervous breakdown. First she insisted on getting married immediately. It was on a Friday and she wanted to go to the courthouse on Monday. We left our jobs during our lunchbreaks. I was in a state of panic but she refused to reconsider. Then in late January she insisted on a huge wedding reception on Valentine’s day that cost about $10,0000. The stress of organizing and paying for this wedding in a few weeks almost gave me a heart attack. Shortly thereafter she bought two dogs. I of course had to walk them everyday and clean up their dog shit. These dogs did not get along and when I walked them they constantly pulled me in opposite directions. Taking care of them was a nightmare. Thank God, my wife agreed to give them away before our son was born.
Then she decided to buy a new, more expensive house and rent our townhouse even though we didn’t have any money for a downpayment and really were having trouble financially in our current house. She agreed to rent our townhouse while I was in class. Then she got into a dispute with the builder of our new house and cancelled the contract. So we had tenants preparing to move into our townhouse and we had no new house to move into. We scrambled to find another house which we did but the move itself was horrible. There was a gap of a several days in which we had to stay in a hotel. We put all of our stuff in five different storage units. While we were preparing to move, she bought a lot more crap at yard sales making the move even more difficult.
After living there for three years she then insisted on buying an even bigger and more expensive house. She agreed to buy the new house without consulting me at all. She dragged me to the sales office and nagged me into signing the contract. I didn’t think we would qualify but these days mortgage companies approve anyone so the house got built, and we ended up buying it. Realizing we absolutely could not afford it, we put it on the market immediately after buying it. My wife became panicked and so depressed that she could hardly leave the house. She wanted to back out of the contract and lose the $100,000 down payment. I at least wanted to try to get some of it back. It took six months to sell the property for the same price we bought it. With the closing costs, the mortgage payments, and the upkeep of the house, we lost a fortune.
While we were trying to sell it, her mother kept pressuring me to move into the new house and sell our existing one. I knew we absolutely could not afford the new one and the equity on the existing one was almost used up so the proceeds from the sale would not make that big of a difference. The stress was so great that I ended up spending several days in a mental hospital. When we finally sold it, I felt relief but my wife cried at the settlement.
Even after that disaster, she keep trying to buy things we couldn’t afford. The following year she insisted on her mother buying a house at a development for retired people. She wrote a check from our joint account for $5,000 as the earnest deposit. There was no way her mother could afford the payments on the house and we certainly did not have $5,000 in our account. The check bounced but she keep writing new ones. She ended up bouncing two or three checks. We’re lucky that her mother was not sued by the real estate company.
Then in the space of a month, she bought two cars. Here we were trying to recover from a financial catastrophe and she buys two cars with combined payments of over $900 a month. Already we were going into deeper debt every month and she adds this burden. At the time she did not even have a job. How she qualified for those car loans, I will never know.
During most of our marriage she did not work. She insisted on finishing her college degrees. After about five years she qualified for an associates degree at our community college. For several classes she insisted I write the papers which I did. Then she transferred to George Mason University. She should have finished in two years but it has dragged for four years and she is still not finished. She insists I write her papers even though it’s a Spanish literature class and I don’t know even Spanish to write college papers. She says to write them in English and she’ll translate them. Here we are going deeper into debt, headed for bankruptcy and foreclosure and she wants me to concentrate on her classes. She finally got a job as a secretary at the church but continually threatens to quit so she can concentrate on her stupid degree. What her degree in Spanish is going to do for her I don’t know. I really doubt she will ever become a teacher as she once planned. Trying to read sixteenth century Spanish literature and writing a paper on it while worrying about the huge debts that are piling up is driving me crazy.

Story of a barista as a middle aged man

For the past two years, I worked part-time as a weekend barista at a Starbucks at Harris Teeter. I worked there for extra money while my wife was a full-time student with no income. I averaged about $500 a month. Eventually I decided it wasn't worth it because it tired me out and made working overtime at my full-time job more difficult. Considering that my full-time hourly rate was around five times greater than what I was making at Starbucks, I decided that it was probably costing me money to work there. Hopefully the experience of working in a retail environment gave me some valuable experience. Certain things about the job really bother me. I really did not like having a manager draw up a schedule of my hours. Sometimes I opened, sometime I closed sometimes I was mid-shift. I'm using to have set business hours and deciding for myself if I needed to come to work early or late. I also wasn't thrilled about having manager nag me if I didn't look busy enough. Constantly wiping the counter got boring pretty quickly. Also for some reason I was always given the longest shifts on the weekends, usually 8 or 9 hours while others often worked 4 or 5 hour shifts. However, I did enjoy getting to know a lot of the regular customers and learning about Starbucks was kind of interesting at first. However, I don't think I'm going to get a job like that again anytime soon. I didn't have the life changing experience that some have had. I belong in an office, in front of a computer, not in a grocery store.

The weekend

I woke up this morning with a headache and couldn't get out of bed until 6:30 am. As a result I spent two hours in traffic trying to get to work. I need to leave the house by 5:30 in order to get there in an hour or less. The weekend was very stressful because I was at home with my wife and mother-in-law so every five minutes they were nagging me about something. I quit my weekend job a couple of weeks ago. It was exhausting working for 8 or 9 hours a day during the weekend after working and commuting during the week but the stress of being at home is pretty bad too.

Desperate Times

Now, the biggest struggle is staying afloat. The gigantic mountain of debt keeps getting bigger. If I could just stop going further into debt. My wife hasn't worked regularly for the past six years. She is trying to finish her college degree. A bachelor's degree can't possibly be worth the heartache and financial ruin our family is experiencing. She is without pity. She will do anything to ruin my finances. It isn't enough not to work and to acquire all these tuition bills. In the past few years, she has bought three cars and tried to buy three or four houses. All without having any job or income. She starting a low paid receptionist job this Monday. I doubt she'll use any of her income to help pay our bills. She usually gives all of her money to her mother who's just as bad as her. I didn't know marriage was going to mean this kind of financial meltdown as well as having to live with both my wife and mother-in-law. The only thing that keeps me going is my son who I have to try to save from these crazy women.